Dear Katie Holmes

I guess a congratulations is in order. You’re pregnant. With TOOOOOM CRUISE!’s baby – apparently.

I don’t know how that works, because it’s pretty obvious that he’s gay. And a Scientologist. Okay, Scientology has nothing to do with it really but I just wanted to mention it so I can laugh a little at your fiancé’s “religious” beliefs. But he still is gay. I know you know this. I bet it’s in your 5-year/$5m contract somewhere that you mustn’t disclose TOOOOOM CRUISE!’s sexuality, but it’s kind of a moot point seeing how we all know he likes bumming men and the fact that he does like bumming men isn’t the reason why I’ve decided that he is on my list of Celebrities I Think I Hate. This is because if he is a homosexual (which he is), the reason why he won’t come out and say it money. Hollywood isn’t going to hire an openly gay leading man yet, at least not for the 10 trazillion dollars he currently makes, and I hate him for that because I only earn £10 an hour.

You said you were going to stay a virgin until you married. You lied to us, Katie. What are your young, impressionable fans going to think? I bet they’re all going to go off and start fucking old homosexuals now. And it’s all your fault.

I don’t really think you had sex with and are pregnant to TOOOOOM CRUISE though. These are the only possibilities:


  1. A doctor siphoned out some TOOOOOM CRUISE sperm, and basted your virginal vagina with them, although he doesn’t have sperm because he sold them to the Scientology Clinic in LA – maybe they let some out on day release
  2. You screwed the bodyguard – it was part of the contract
  3. It was Immaculate Conception, and you are actually carrying the spawn of God
  4. You and Chris Klein are in it for the money and it is his love child (he’s not gay, you know)
  5. You’re not pregnant at all, but soon you will be wearing cushions under your clothes when you do go out, but you won’t be seen in public for a while until OOPS, one day you get photographed with a 6-month-old baby that you definitely didn’t adopt.

Congratulations again,
The Editor