Dear Jordan

I heard about your wedding to Peter Andre. My younger sister used to really love Peter Andre when she was 13. She had a poster of him on her bedroom wall, and my best friend and I used to tease her about it and she used to get really upset.

I’d heard stories about how crazy your wedding was going to be, so I succumbed and bought OK! magazine. The first thing I did was open to the page with you posing with your drug-addled bridesmaids.

I actually just picked up the magazine again to have another look and I just can’t stop staring at your gigantic… hair. Surprisingly. Seriously, it’s like a foot tall. I imagine what is in there to make it stand up that high, and I can only image a 1-foot block of polystyrene, or the green florist’s spongey stuff. There has to be.

While I’m doing this, I also really can’t help but noticed how much of a crackwhore Kerry Katona looks like. She is seriously minging.

Oh, and of course, your massively enormous holy-fucking-shit tits. I can’t help but mentally weigh your boulders. I reckon each of your boobs has to weigh at least 4.5kgs. I would really appreciate it if you could weigh at least one of your titties and let me know how much it is.

I look forward to hearing from you,
The Editor